Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.