“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
u spoke cat all this time??????
is this a threat
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate