Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.