“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Seems legit
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”