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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
😅😅😅
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..