{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head