me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.