Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Unimpressed
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*