Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.