If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My plans: 2020:
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV