They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I have no passwords left in me
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?