Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.