Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Covid like
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Every house has this drawer
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*