A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.