Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
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[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.