[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
You Might Also Like
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.