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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m not wrong
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO