Bed should get ready for ME
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Cashiers are always checking me out
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot