my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“i am a sweet baby”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple