In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.