I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I wish this was real life…
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?