When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
not seeing the problem
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
So glad we cleared that up
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.