Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*limbos away from your hug*