Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.