never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Boom, boom, ching!
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.