presenting your incognito window wrapped
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i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed