Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I need a headline like this
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
LOL!