Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
knights of the ikea table
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.