“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I can’t deal with men any longer
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.