*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
PLEASE READ
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.