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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket