i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I’d use my best pan on you.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Best mom ever 😂
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.