stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I鈥檓 sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid鈥檚 favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Let鈥檚 all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won鈥檛 be tempted to eat all the chips
Doctor: you鈥檙e not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant鈥檚 family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
comedy isn鈥檛 about making people laugh. it鈥檚 about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
It has been literally hours and I鈥檓 still laughing out loud every time I think about this