My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.