Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD