Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
never deleting this app.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.