My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
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Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
This will never not be funny to me.