*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You Might Also Like
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.