I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.