Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?