Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.