Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.