Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.