I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
They did not think through this water fountain
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman