My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
multitasking lunch
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Just how popey was the pope today?
the three genders
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
thank god
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.