Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
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Monica just destroyed the internet
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
PLOT TWIST:
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.