Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
britain’s three elite institutions
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Monday