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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate