It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.