The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
subtitles are so good nowadays
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*